|KO Bullet in the head
||[May. 8th, 2004|05:23 am]
What a week it has been. I think this is the most stressful and life realizing week I've had in awhile. I got beat up pretty bad this week. I've fought a total of 3 matches. 2 earlier in the week and 1 just earlier last night. I lost one of the fights earlier this week and that was pretty rough on my pride but I was getting over it. He was a Hong Keung Master, it was a style I've never fought before and he was a practitioner at a pretty prestigous league of guys so I was able to accept it. Barely.
Yesterday I got a call. It was someone I've known for a long time. He is in town for a week. He is someone I've known since I was really young (I'm old now lol) He was a person I really didn't like much when I first met him. He was Cocky, arrogant, self centered, talked a lot of shit and he just pissed me off with his mere existence. He is the kind of person who has every quality I hate. All feelings aside tho this person was also really tough and he was a really worthy opponent. To cut a long story short. We kinda became friends of a sort (an odd story, I still hate him too) but Me and this person also formed a pretty vicious rivalry. When it came to the fight We wanted to literally kill each other and it showed in the arena. We've fought a number of times. He won 2 times, I won 4 times and The last time we fought 2 yrs ago, it ended in a Mutual draw for both of us. Of course neither of us was happy with it but We were both out of it and couldn't continue. It was quite a fight. Now that I've summed up the history let me go on with the real topic..
I fought this person this past night and As crappy as it makes me feel to say it, I lost. We had a "Reunion" match at my friend's gym. I'd say it was pretty close but I was outdone and beaten. And to make it worst, I was knocked down for the count. It was a really crappy moment in my life. Here I am trying to be so cool with my training and all. Only to be beaten down and shown how insignificant I am in this world. The world is literally telling me now- "You Are Nothing, Give Up" It's a very terrible feeling to feel powerless. To me it's the worst, That's how I feel at this moment. Simply Powerless.
I am so ashamed of myself and depressed right now that if I was one of those other pathetic idiots that are my age I would go get drunk and shoot up on drugs, However I am a different kind of idiot, I dont do neither and have no interest in them. So Instead, While I rub my body with medicine and count my bruises, I'm just going to sit here all day and think about how I lost, stare at the ceiling and think about what I've been doing with my life, which is probably actually worse than drugs and alcohol but at least I dont pollute my body with any crap. Anyway it Looks like training will have to be off for next couple of days. I'm pretty banged up. I need to take it easy. Maybe I'll do some light training but I need to take some time off and think. I need to Think about how I can possibly be qualified enough to even go to the tourney this endsummer. There is no point to go if there is no intention or chance of winning. There will be tough people there. And they will be even tougher than these people I fought and lost to this past week. If I cant beat them what makes me think I'll even hold my own in this tourney? I think over the yrs I've won too many times. Maybe it's made me a little reckless and hotheaded. I think deep down maybe I have some kind of stupid ego. Maybe I lost because of that, among other reasons. I dont know. Maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. I shouldn't be. I Lost and I know it. They are stronger than me, I know that but what am I going to do about it?? What can I do about it?? Is the difference between me and him that great??? What makes him stronger than me???? AAAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! I Hate this feeling!!! *Breaks down*
If there wasn't already enough stress in my life, I now have to think about this too. It really sucks. I can honestly say that my personal life has no redeeming factors at this moment. Everything sucks. I dont even know what to think anymore. Oh Well, no point to just sit here and complain about it. I just need to act. I need to do something, Anything to make me forget it for now. If I keep thinking about this I'm going to go insane. I hate being whiny and I shouldn't be. Hmm.. Maybe I'll actually start putting those items up for auction and clean up my mess around the house. Who knows. I need to do something. I need to train too but for now I need to do something that is not Fighting or I'll really lose it...
I guess I'm going to go and try to sleep. Seeing as I'd rather be anywhere than the real world right now. I hope I'll have the strength to wake up and face it again later.
Sorry everyone (Not that anyone reads this) for this rather whiny and depressing entry. I just had to get it out somehow. If you care, Great. If not, That's cool too. I dont write this for sympathy, rather I just want to vent to someone and seeing that no one is awake at this time and I cant sleep. So I'll just write in this journal to vent to myself and hope to be heard by someone. If anything I hope this entry of my thoughts can keep you from making the stupid mistakes I make. So Dont let my stupid thoughts get you down, instead look at them as a life lesson in the life of a really confused guy in this world. Go have fun Everyone! ^-^