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黒い剣士 狂戦士の鎧

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KO Bullet in the head [May. 8th, 2004|05:23 am]
黒い剣士 狂戦士の鎧
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |None]

What a week it has been. I think this is the most stressful and life realizing week I've had in awhile. I got beat up pretty bad this week. I've fought a total of 3 matches. 2 earlier in the week and 1 just earlier last night. I lost one of the fights earlier this week and that was pretty rough on my pride but I was getting over it. He was a Hong Keung Master, it was a style I've never fought before and he was a practitioner at a pretty prestigous league of guys so I was able to accept it. Barely.

Yesterday I got a call. It was someone I've known for a long time. He is in town for a week. He is someone I've known since I was really young (I'm old now lol) He was a person I really didn't like much when I first met him. He was Cocky, arrogant, self centered, talked a lot of shit and he just pissed me off with his mere existence. He is the kind of person who has every quality I hate. All feelings aside tho this person was also really tough and he was a really worthy opponent. To cut a long story short. We kinda became friends of a sort (an odd story, I still hate him too) but Me and this person also formed a pretty vicious rivalry. When it came to the fight We wanted to literally kill each other and it showed in the arena. We've fought a number of times. He won 2 times, I won 4 times and The last time we fought 2 yrs ago, it ended in a Mutual draw for both of us. Of course neither of us was happy with it but We were both out of it and couldn't continue. It was quite a fight. Now that I've summed up the history let me go on with the real topic..

I fought this person this past night and As crappy as it makes me feel to say it, I lost. We had a "Reunion" match at my friend's gym. I'd say it was pretty close but I was outdone and beaten. And to make it worst, I was knocked down for the count. It was a really crappy moment in my life. Here I am trying to be so cool with my training and all. Only to be beaten down and shown how insignificant I am in this world. The world is literally telling me now- "You Are Nothing, Give Up" It's a very terrible feeling to feel powerless. To me it's the worst, That's how I feel at this moment. Simply Powerless.

I am so ashamed of myself and depressed right now that if I was one of those other pathetic idiots that are my age I would go get drunk and shoot up on drugs, However I am a different kind of idiot, I dont do neither and have no interest in them. So Instead, While I rub my body with medicine and count my bruises, I'm just going to sit here all day and think about how I lost, stare at the ceiling and think about what I've been doing with my life, which is probably actually worse than drugs and alcohol but at least I dont pollute my body with any crap. Anyway it Looks like training will have to be off for next couple of days. I'm pretty banged up. I need to take it easy. Maybe I'll do some light training but I need to take some time off and think. I need to Think about how I can possibly be qualified enough to even go to the tourney this endsummer. There is no point to go if there is no intention or chance of winning. There will be tough people there. And they will be even tougher than these people I fought and lost to this past week. If I cant beat them what makes me think I'll even hold my own in this tourney? I think over the yrs I've won too many times. Maybe it's made me a little reckless and hotheaded. I think deep down maybe I have some kind of stupid ego. Maybe I lost because of that, among other reasons. I dont know. Maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. I shouldn't be. I Lost and I know it. They are stronger than me, I know that but what am I going to do about it?? What can I do about it?? Is the difference between me and him that great??? What makes him stronger than me???? AAAAARRRGGGGHHHHH!!!! I Hate this feeling!!! *Breaks down*

If there wasn't already enough stress in my life, I now have to think about this too. It really sucks. I can honestly say that my personal life has no redeeming factors at this moment. Everything sucks. I dont even know what to think anymore. Oh Well, no point to just sit here and complain about it. I just need to act. I need to do something, Anything to make me forget it for now. If I keep thinking about this I'm going to go insane. I hate being whiny and I shouldn't be. Hmm.. Maybe I'll actually start putting those items up for auction and clean up my mess around the house. Who knows. I need to do something. I need to train too but for now I need to do something that is not Fighting or I'll really lose it...

I guess I'm going to go and try to sleep. Seeing as I'd rather be anywhere than the real world right now. I hope I'll have the strength to wake up and face it again later.

Sorry everyone (Not that anyone reads this) for this rather whiny and depressing entry. I just had to get it out somehow. If you care, Great. If not, That's cool too. I dont write this for sympathy, rather I just want to vent to someone and seeing that no one is awake at this time and I cant sleep. So I'll just write in this journal to vent to myself and hope to be heard by someone. If anything I hope this entry of my thoughts can keep you from making the stupid mistakes I make. So Dont let my stupid thoughts get you down, instead look at them as a life lesson in the life of a really confused guy in this world. Go have fun Everyone! ^-^
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: saber_rider
2004-05-08 03:06 pm (UTC)
If I learned anything in Vegas, if you play to avoid losing, you won't win.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: natsume_maya
2004-05-09 09:01 am (UTC)

SNAP OUT OF IT!

I think you are taking these defeats too seriously. After all you are still ahead of this guy by 1 win!!! So what if he won this time, you can beat him next time! Same with any other defeat you have, it's not like it's the end of the world! Snap Out of it!! Did you expect that you would never lose a fight again? If you did then you are being really shallow. I do agree you have thinking to do but I dont agree that you should abuse yourself over this. Now your even doubting yourself for our team! I am so mad at you right now and frustrated that I would strike you if you were here in front of me!
Sigh, I hope you get over this quickly :( Otherwise I'd be very sad to say but I will have to beat some sense into you *Grin* XD
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: idontsaylol
2004-05-12 02:06 am (UTC)

Re: SNAP OUT OF IT!

This is somewhat off topic, but what the hell. Hey natsume, i noticed you joined LJ around the same time i did. How are you liking it so far? You think you're getting into the swing of it? I think i'm a slow learner when it comes to LJ, but i'm getting there. Although, most of the people it talk to on it are people i had already been friends with, like Keiyo. Ah well.
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[User Picture]From: idontsaylol
2004-05-09 03:56 pm (UTC)

WWND

Natsume is right.

This is just one loss. One!

I may not be able to completely relate to your plight, as i am tragically allergic to physical activity, but i do know that you cannot go into a competition (be it this last one, or the tournament) and not be able to tolerate loosing! The very nature of competition is striving to overcome the possibility that you might not win. If anything, this just reminded you that fighting is in fact a competition, not just a game, and the chance of loosing is what makes victory so sweet!

It's naive to think you'd never loose. And it's even worse to think that now that you have, just this one time, that its all over! Winning and loosing are both learning opportunities for becoming stronger, (and therefor diminishing your chances of loosing in the future).

Just think of those magical words that you see on bumper stickers and t-shirts all over the place.

WHAT WOULD NARUTO DO?????

Now SNAP OUT OF IT!!!
(Reply) (Thread)
From: chibikeba
2004-05-13 08:23 pm (UTC)
Hidy hoe! Saw that you're a Macross fan so I figured I'd direct ya to the lil Mac 7 community I made:

http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=saikyoubi
Sorry...I know this doesn't have anything to do with yer post, and I am technically spamming but...uh, what was I getting at?O.o*
Anyways, please stop by^^;
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: idontsaylol
2004-05-15 01:06 am (UTC)
not very supportive, but what the hell. a little macross never hurt anyone
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From: chibikeba
2004-05-15 02:58 am (UTC)
Eh?O.o* What's not supportive?O.o*
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[User Picture]From: idontsaylol
2004-05-16 09:28 pm (UTC)
I just meant that the overall tone of your post wasn't of the same consolatory nature as the earlier ones.

In no way is that a judgment of your, or macross!!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: chibikeba
2004-05-17 01:07 am (UTC)
Oh^^;
Well, I didn't read the post actually, just spamming peeps who have Macross 7 listed in their interests =P
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[User Picture]From: ae86kai
2004-05-17 08:55 pm (UTC)
Heh' You guys. Yeah I'll def join the community.
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From: chibikeba
2004-05-18 02:39 am (UTC)
Groovy^^ Welcome aboard!
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[User Picture]From: ae86kai
2004-05-17 08:55 pm (UTC)
WOW I have such a supportive friend. ^-^
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