||[May. 19th, 2004|11:23 am]
|||||GaoGaiGar FINAL OP||]|
Heh' Well. It's been almost 2 weeks from my last post. I think I've been Ok since then. I've been thinking a lot and I've talked to quite a few ppl about how my life is going and opinions on that. To be honest I never really talked to many ppl about myself and my own thoughts on things so much until now. Only a few, Well at least these past 2 weeks I've asked a few other ppl. LOL I'd say lots of things happened these past 2 weeks. I guess I should mention a couple of worthy events.
First off, My Teaching Period is over. I got a nice goodbye from all my students. I cant say I wasn't a bit sad seeing all of them go their Separate ways. They all did good on their exams too. I was happy for that. During the end of last semester and throughout this one, I had a secret admirer. Although I suspected someone (and I even got kind of a confirmation at the end) I never acted on it. The Professor I work with, told me I should go for it. Hahahaha He's a character. However' I just wasn't interested. Even aside from the fact I would have been in deep trouble if I was caught. I simply felt no need to pursue it, even tho I was very curious at first who the person was. Hopefully she's not mad at me for never acknowledging it and I hope she finds happiness on whatever path she's taking ^-^
Hmm.. Funny to say and a bit embarassing as well. When I sat in that empty classroom yesterday. I felt a bit sad. I guess I was feeling a bit sentimental. And I was remembering all the moments me and all my students had in that same room this past year. It made me shed a tear I think...
I saw a friend of mine I haven't talked to in about 4 yrs just recently. She is doing Great. Well paying job, Good Stability, nice place, nice car, Good Boyfriend. What else more can you ask for? lol I talked to her about lots of things. Mostly about how she felt about her own Life's goals and dreams and such. She seemed very happy with how her life was moving. And I told her that she worked hard for it, so she should enjoy it to the fullest and be proud of what she's accomplished. She of course asked me how my life was moving, At first I was just picking out positive aspects of my life and such. I didn't really want to make the mood gloomy since her life seemed so bright. Of course tho she saw through it somehow and asked me how I'm "Really" doing. I then told her a bit about what was going on in my life and she asked me- "Keiyo, Do you have a Dream? What do you want out of life and what would make you happy"
When she asked me that question, I kinda paused. Then I noticed that I didn't or couldn't really say anything at first. After a bit of exchanging words, I guess I was able to say something. I told her that, I'm really doing fine and that I just need to figure a few things out. I dont think she believed me (the doing fine part). I guess maybe I looked depressed. LOL I had a lot of thoughts since then tho. Hopefully she's not pissed at me for not saying anything.
I hung out with one of my friends who live in Alexandria. I went to his apt and we just kinda talked for like hrs. About the past, present and future. We just talked about how much crap we've been through and all the stuff that has happened to us this past year. We just Laughed about most of the stuff. LOL It was a nice time. And he is a VERY Good Friend. I dont have many of those.
Hmm.. I've had a lot of thoughts recently. Mostly about fighting and Life and Dreams and such. I'll try to summarize them all up if anyone cares to know...
This year has been a very interesting and surprising year for me. There was a lot of stability in it and I was much more responsible than in the previous year (or two lol). I dont know why I've become a teacher or even chose to. Maybe it's because I felt like I wanted to do something that made some sort of difference. Most of us, We each have things or ppl in our lives that inspire us and push us towards our dreams. They help us along the path of the unforseeable Future. I have those ppl in my life as well who've taught me a lot and inspired me. Hmm I guess, I wanted to have that feeling as well. The thought and feeling that I am able to help someone and make a difference in their lives. That I could direct them towards their dream. It gave me a rewarding feeling inside. As for my other job, I dont know why I have that. It's not like I can't make the same amount of money or more otherwise. I think I just took it for the sake of having some sort of job on my resume perhaps? Hmm.. Possibly. LOL
You know, sometimes I look back just a bit. Especially now that I've been training so much for Tenmon. I've got beaten a couple of times along the way. It feels like when I was a kid. I used to run to school everyday trying to avoid all the "obstracles" along the way. Of course I would never get past them lol. Since I lived at a temple some of the kids would pick on me, I never understood why. Maybe it was just for the sake of picking. As I was really young and there were like 5 kids, I got beat up everytime I tried to defend myself. I was Really weak back then when I was a kid. LOL Of course as I got older I got stronger. In my Life I've fought Lots of really tough ppl varying from all kinds of techniques and styles and I've beaten them. I'm Happy for that. Of course my life eventually slowed down and because of inactivity I got a bit weaker. If anything These past few weeks have taught me that. I've gotten rusty. I remember clearly and have the feeling of the boy who ran to school each day hoping not to add another loss to his resume and always failed and got beat up. Getting stomped on the ground and such. It's a tough thing to deal with but as I think and look back harder, I've noticed one thing I've clearly forgotten. The Fighting Spirit that boy had as he got back up after each defeat and kept moving. He trained everyday, with the Pure Dream of becoming Stronger, Becoming the Strongest! Eventually, The obstacles he faced faded away as they were engulfed by his ever increasing Strength. Of course new obstacles appeared before him and he had to conquer those as well. Heh' I think I've lost a lot of the spirit I've had when I was that Little Boy. Maybe it's because of things that have happened since then that complicate the situation. LOL. My Master used to say to me, "Each Defeat makes the pathway ahead clearer, however we may fear what we see in that pathway.." I never really gave it much thought but I think I know now and completely understand what that saying means. I think I am simply scared. I'm not sure what it is exactly. I think it might be a bit more than just defeat. Still trying to figure that one out. Hopefully I dont have to pay a high price to find out. LOL
I want to become Stronger. I dont know how Strong I am or how I measure up to all those Strong ppl in this world. I dont know what the future holds for me or what is waiting out there for me. I dont know where is the place I stand in this world. But..
I want to Find the Answer. I want to Break the Limit of what I can do now. I want to find where I stand in this world. I think There will be great Obstacles along the way but I wont Give Up. I've promised myself that. Maybe then, My Dream and the path ahead will be much Clearer to me and I can walk forward without fear in my heart but with the Bright Courage of that Little Boy Running to school that I can see clearly in my eyes. ^-^